Funny Posts From Christian Forums

I love these. I found them on various Christian message boards. Stuff in bold is my interjection.

"One child in my church is HORRIBLE. She is the most disrespectful, disobedient child I have ever seen in my life. She runs all over church, tries to steal Sunday school books, yells during church service, gets up and jumps on the pews, etc (El Diablo! El Diablo!). The kid had me so stressed out that I wanted to choke her (that is not very Christian of you)!"
Someone responded:
"The child may be acting like that because of problems at home (religious brainwashing won't help), children often express problems the only way they know how, acting out (children commonly act out due to boredom). God has placed that child there for a reason (no way?)."
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"What are your feelings on women being head pastors (good news for altar boys, no more molestation from the male pastor)? I know what the bible says. I want YOUR feelings on the issue. There is a female in the running to become pastor at our church and I'm having problems with accepting it (shocker). If she gets the job, then my husband refuses to go back to that church (because he is a sexist asshole). I love my church (I don't). I hate to leave my church, but my personal beliefs won't allow me to stay at a church with a female as the head pastor (you are a sexist women, that is funny)."
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"If you were swallowed by a fish, such as in the story of Jonah, would you be able to survive for 3 days (Wow)? What would keep you from being digested by the fish (Wow)? How would you have oxygen in order to breath (Wow)?

Is this just a story (Wow)?

Did it happen, and God performed a miracle (Wow)? If so, why would God perform a miracle for someone who was running from God (Wow), he could just call someone else to send the message (Wow)? I mean, Jonah didn't even rejoice at their [Ninevites] conversion (Wow)! If God doesn't go against a person's free will, then why the big fuss because Jonah didn't want to go to Nineva (Wow)?"
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"My kids have recently learned how to get on the internet. I have set a password for when you first turn on the computer, but is there any way to make it require a password to surf the net? Are there any browsers that work this way? I currently use Avant browser.

I don't mind them playing on sites such as barbie or abc kids, but I do NOT want them on sites like Nickelodeon (Nick has been brainwashing kids to have sex and do drugs for years!). They were playing a game on there yesterday and two cartoon characters started talking about french kissing (ohnoes!).
THIS is why we don't have cable tv anymore.... (your kids are doomed)"